Lloyd, long time no speak, how the devil are you?  
I hear you and your long time girlfriend have broken up, does that mean that you are out on the prowl?

I'm good thanks. Yeah thats right, she left me. Too much Monga not enough Lloyd. You just have to get a move on and keep it real, shit happens to the best of us. I've been stalking the streets looking for the next victim but nothing yet!

We know you're an avid purveyor of female rights, and feminist ideologies, but putting that aside, how can all those hot girls get in touch with you, and what do you look for in a lady?

Well basically it's really easy, if there's a good night coming up, I'll be there! There's many qualities that attract me to the opposite sex, for a start they have to be susceptible to adverse conditions, sociable, compliant, and have to remain positive no matter what. I can't be doing with 'bummed out' at the minute.

I hear that Mongalloyd has been spotted again recently, any funny tales?

Yeah he's been doing the rounds, bent a couple of bars out of shape made a couple of bouncers cry, good times! I'm trying to keep him on a leash though 'cause he can go a bit mad. I was with him last night actually, he was making a scene at the Meadery. Let's just say I now know my best mate's baby does not like Mead! Well the Mother didn't anyway!
 
What does it take to entice the Mongalloyd out of you?  Is it a painful transformation?

No, it's really simple. Half a can of warm beer will do it. Just something to loosen the tongue! I have to be in the mood though. It's a bit like a werewolf but more consistent. Fuck waiting 'til the next full moon, the slightest sip of warm beer and Monga's out in a flash.


Monga strutting his stuff across the dunes of West Cornwall.

We heard you've been busy making a festival?

Yeah, you best be coming! Myself and a couple of like minded local lads have put together a new festival down at Sennen in West Cornwall. We've got nearly 50 bands and DJ's (including Love Riot's very own Ry Spenceley) playing from Friday 4th September 'til the early hours of Sunday 6th September. We also have the first annual 'West Kernows Greatest Crew' surf competition where local girls and boys battle it out for the honour of being the best in the West! Also loads of inflatable fun stuff. It's gonna be damn good. Tickets are still on sale and going fast so don't hang about, get on it!

Check out the full details here - facebook.com/oceandaze
Buy tickets here - www.oceandaze.eventbrite.com

I have to say your barnet is looking mighty fine, Justin Lee Collins should watch his back. Any hair preening tips for me?

My god, I'm just gonna say it... 'JLC is a cock!' I've been growing my hair since I was 0, he's just ripping off my style! Some people say my styles are similar to other famous people, but to be honest I'm the best, so in reality their following my lead! I do brush my hair with a brush made from the rare umpalumpa bone, you get really fine detail with that brush, essential when you're modern man like me, you can borrow it if you like Eddie.



The new range of Slut gear is out and about now. One features Sir Winston Churchill holding a pint with his famous phrase, Never Never Never Give up.  Have you got any good quotes that should be made famous?

Yeah one springs to mind... Do not be tense, just be ready, not thinking, but not dreaming. Not being set, but being flexible. It is being "wholly" and quietly alive, aware and alert, ready for whatever may come. I'll be honest with you, that's actually just Bruce Lee. I just ripped it off! Good though isn't it?



Any fun stories from this summer? Any spectacular injuries, arrests, stunts etc?

Yeah loads. For a start, what the hell happened at Porthleven Lifeboat day? I was a mashed up mess! I haven't been arrested full on yet this year, I've always managed to talk my way out of it, either by bribes or crying (mainly crying). I did go to The Corn Exchange the other week, that was eventful, I danced my little feet off to the point where I broke both my flip flops! Oh yeah, I did try wetting myself in front of people at Praa Sands Raft Race, surprisingly it was quite nice! Might work on that one a bit more.



Rumour has it you're off to the Phillipines soon. Have you found a mail order bride over there? Can you bring me back one?

Nothing set in stone but I'm going with some right reprobates so anything goes, Dan (Dog Shit Dan) Waite, Sean (Dancing Sean) Dunstan and hopefully Fionn (Flea) Crow-Howieson. We're going for surfing but if we bump into the odd midget or two then so be it! I can try and bring you one back if you really want one, but i think the law's quite harsh if you're caught smuggling midgets out of Philipines these days. Yes I've looked into it. You're girlfriend probably wouldn't appreciate it anyway, but I'll see what I can do.
 
Thanks Lloyd. Let me know.
Seeing as you're so knowledgable on this then, can you tell how tall is the tallest midget in the world?

Woooo, that's a good question! No idea but anything over my waist height is just to tall for my liking.

Where can the Mongalloyd be found at next?  Just in case any hot girls and boys wanna head you off?

Well, Oceandaze but i'll probably be a bit busy so not sure if I'll have a chance to let Monga have a play. I'll see what I can do though.
 
Any final words?

See you at the bar!
_______

We'll have more from Lloyd and his other half soon. In the mean time if you fancy running loose at his festival this weekend, you can grab tickets here.
www.oceandaze.eventbrite.com